So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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