It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
