On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
