Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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