i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
