She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
