i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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