talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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