OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Four minutes until I can fart!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
