New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
