i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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