Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
