Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
only you would photoshop your dick
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
