just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
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