Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Drunk is a universal language darling
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