everyone is single if you try hard enough
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
