hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
