I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
she woke up with a sticky ear
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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