omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
