I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
