I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
