I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
