thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
