Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
