Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Bring me that man meat
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
