ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
