I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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