if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
