He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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