What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
