She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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