I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
