I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
