i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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