I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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