is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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