There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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