you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
