I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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