Jerry, you need to find god
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
