I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
