I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
