I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
