I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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