I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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