remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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