We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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