I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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