Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
