I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
