the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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