in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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