Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm like, not good at living.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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